When it comes to querying, we seem to think that a single professional overview is all it takes to spiff up our query letter. And by winning contests, my Twitter friend William Alan Webb earned two professional rewrites his query… and it still had problems! Let’s take a look…
The Professional Original
Innocents abroad in post-Collapse America face slavery and death, until Nick Angriff and the Seventh Cavalry ride to the rescue. The terrorists who slaughtered General Nick Angriff’s wife and daughter fulfilled their leader’s purpose, by leaving him one mission in life: to kill the killers. Obsessed with revenge, Angriff needs a new reason for living before anger eats him alive. Miraculously, a higher duty calls, except nothing about it is divine. With no loved ones to miss or mourn him, he agrees to command Operation Overtime, an elite military unit stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse. He awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. Resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty. Before he can save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers opposing plots within his brigade, including one to assassinate him. They are remnants of the extremist politics of the dead U.S.A., still fighting old battles, and he’s a target for both sides. Without knowing friend from foe, Angriff leads the last Americans into the wasteland of North America, armed only with their guts, their wits and a determination to rebuild the United States.
My Takeaway
I repeat: this was done by a published, professional author, who thought it was perfect when they finished. The reality? I have no idea what is going on!
It’s Long. This needs to be shorter – especially considering the author bio and word count/genre/category information is not yet included.
We Know Too Little At the Beginning. Who is the Seventh Cavalry? What happened to America? We don’t get any answers until the fifth sentence… and by then we’re totally lost. We need a solid jumping-off point.
What is the Conflict? Who are the bad guys and what is the doctrine they use to take down the U.S.? What changes beyond the vague “slavery and death” clash with the U.S. of today? Why would Nick’s own men want him dead?
Time Progression is Scattered. We need to start the query at the beginning – with the MC’s family dying, or with his freezing. Then we need to escalate things – in order of occurrence. This will help with clarity.
Query Retooling
In a politically-unstable world, the United States government took a secret precaution by placing an elite military unit in stasis. The unit, called the Seventh Cavalry, would be woken upon impending national collapse, and would use their unique training to turn the world to rights. Sixty years later, the unit’s commander, Nick Angiff, comes back to life… two years too late.
In this new America, the government is gone, his family is dead, and the bizarre religious sect that killed them now dominates through enslavement and anarchy. Obsessed with revenge and tied to his duty, Angiff must take on the task of resurrecting the government—but everyone, even his own men, want him dead. Without knowing friend from foe, and armed with nothing but his wits, Argiff leads the last Americans into the terrorist wasteland to rebuild a country, and its freedom, from scratch.
Conclusion
Now, I didn’t write William’s book – so he can definitely improve upon my retooling (which probably gets plot points wrong, as I invented filler for the purpose of showing the sort of improvement needed). But notice how much clearer, and thus more engaging, the QL has become? I may just be a lowly ex-agency-intern, but when I see this, I have to remind myself that “professionals” and “published authors” don’t know everything. Some of the most successful authors couldn’t write a query letter to save their lives.
Update: Guess what? William was published!
Great job Mica. Since you haven’t read the book the plot points are wrong, but that’s irrelevant to your larger point. Clarity is always best.
The book comes out next month and once the pressure was off the write a QL, I wrote the blurb that does exactly what you say here. I’ll quote it in full to show your readers how closely it mirrors your points.
“America might be dead, but Nick Angriff will kick your ass to resurrect her.
Lt. General Nick Angriff has spent his adult life protecting family and country from a world of terrorism spinning out of control. On the battlefield, off the grid, in clandestine special task forces and outright black ops, Angriff never wavers from duty. But when a terror attack on Lake Tahoe kills his family, he’s left with only the corrosive acid of revenge… that is, until a hated superior officer reveals the deepest of all secret operations. Against the day of national collapse, a heavily-armed military unit rests in cryogenic storage, to be awakened when needed, and Angriff is named its commander.
Fifty years later he wakes to find the USA destroyed and predatory warlords roaming the ruins. Stalked by assassins bent on seizing his command for their own purposes, Angriff has to prepare for war while avoiding murder.
Because the only wall still shielding survivors from slavery and death are the men and women of The Last Brigade.”
THIS should have been my query letter. My publisher didn’t change a word. It shows what happens when you quit trying to hard and just tap your inner writer.